This is me.

I can’t keep running away from my problems and letting negative aspects affect me. It’s something that I’ve been doing since I was a kid. As soon as a bad word was said about me, I’d hide at home and not go to school for a week. If a dreaded test was coming up, I’d hide at home and not go in for it. Even after I left school that same familiar pattern started back up again and it resulted in me leaving two college courses and a part time job. I reached that same place last week where I ran home and escaped all of the issues around me. This time I’m glad I took that time away to seek comfort from the people I love. They made me realise a valuable lesson in life. Never run away from your problems, confront them. So for the past four days I have sat in my comfort zone at my childhood home. I’ve analysed every detail, spoke about my fears to my closest ones and made decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life. Finally I have realised that I have to let go of all of the negativity surrounding me and just live life. No more running away this time, I have to try and become a better version of myself.

I’m always questioning everything. I’m constantly worrying about trival shit and obsessing over the minor details. It’s a huge part of who I am ( apart from my ass) and it’s hard to change who you are after nearly a quarter of a century of mistakes. But i’m finally starting to think that maybe I should take a few deep breaths, do some yoga or something equally cleansing and keep calm and carry on. Life’s about the little things, right? Those moments that you store in your memory forever. The moments that mold you into who you are. Maybe I need to stop worrying about what my future holds and just live. I heard a comment recently and I think it’s going to be my new motto in life. ‘Right now is the best’, So I need to start appreciating some of the best times of my life and stop taking it for granted. I don’t want to look back in 10 years time and regret how I lived in my youth. As for my future, anything can happen..and maybe that’s not always a bad thing! :)

I actually think that I have more in common with a bat rather then a human being. Why is it so bloody impossible for me to have a normal sleeping pattern? It’s really quite simple, DAYLIGHT-AWAKE-NIGHTTIME-SLEEP. Yeah, as if my body follows the rules. No matter how hard I try, how many all nighters I pull or good intentions I have, it’s always the same. I’m wide awake until at least 6am, then when I finally crash out I sleep through all of my alarms. I wake up when the sun is setting and normal people are settling down for the night after a busy day. My mum thinks it’s one of the main problems in my life that is holding me back. So by some bloody miracle, I need a cure for my nocturnal unstable way of living. Please? 

Recently I’ve felt lost. I know millions of people feel this way on a daily basis, but for me this is an unusual. I’ve always been so sure of myself, so utterly aware of every aspect of my personality, both negative and positive. No matter what I go through in life I always say to myself ‘Be true to who you are.’ Now all I can think is, who the hell am I? I’m questioning every aspect of my identity, every decision I’ve made and the ultimate goals that I have set for myself. The truth is, at the age of 24 years old and having lived two years independently whilst studying a degree, I have reverted back to having the mind set of a clueless pubity ridden adolescent. If I could look into the future and see what my life is going to be like in 10 years, would I be happy with what I’m creating? I really don’t know anymore. I wish I had some magic wand to help me decide what’s right for me. Then again, I really need to start waking up and realising that this is reality, fairy tales do not exist. I wish they did though, I could do with a liberating journey accompanied by a handsome and charming man that just so happens to be my destined soul mate. Fuck you Disney! Thank’s for filling me up with endless illusions of dreams come true. Maybe Disney should create a film to prepare young minds for the endless decisions they will have to make when they leave the comfort zone of mummys house. I miss being a kid.

As an attempt to express my opinions in a less vocal way. I shall now be writing daily blogs to vent and rant, share precious moments and capture my thoughts. I will never name and shame people that may get on the wrong side of my anger. But I will be honest, open and state any views I have in anyway that I please. So disclaimer: If you don’t like my opinion, don’t read it. This is my way of expressing myself and dealing with emotions. I’m on a path of self discovery and finding my sunny disposition  again.